it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
