Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
