you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
