We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
