so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
