That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
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