Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
