Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
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