My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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