Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
