First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
