Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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