mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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