the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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