Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
