She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
