Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
