I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
