hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
