There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
