I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
