if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
im six kinds of drunk right now
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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