she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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