The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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