hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
