in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
