He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
