First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
