This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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