I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.