I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...