Your dad touched me again.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?