Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
