wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Randomize
