I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
