well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
