I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
