I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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