I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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