my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
