I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
