i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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