??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
