I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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