Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
