i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
