Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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