You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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