I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
