So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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