That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
