Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
