Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't think brook has ever known best
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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