god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
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Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Boobs are out for the taking
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
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