lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she told me i tasted like america
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She told me I should be a condom model.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
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Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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