my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
