I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
