Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She needs sedatives and a leash
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
