I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Randomize
